That time was last Wednesday. I'd be lying if I said this never happened. It had actually been since 2010 Kona training. It’s the point in your training when you have a breakdown. Why did it happen when I was the only girl in my lane? Tired, beaten, sore, tight, tired, I was OTB (off the back) set after set after set. Then one of the guys gave me a smile, acknowledging that I was having a tough go. That’s when I lost it. I kept thinking of the title of Amanda Beard’s book, “In the Water They Can’t See You Cry.” Unlike Beard, my story isn’t one of prodigy, recreational drugs, depression, and Olympic medals. My tears were probably something most of us go through: feelings of doubt as we approach a big race when we’ve trained tirelessly. I tried to keep it together as much as possible through the rest of the workout, even though it’s hard to breath when you’re crying. After my warm down, I needed a heart to heart with my coach.
Kainoa (Coach K) had all the right things to say, reminding me when you’re tired you resort to your bad habits in the pool, which didn’t help my cause that morning. But more importantly, reminding me that it was a tough build, how much she’s pushed me, that the St. George course will play toward my strengths, I often compare my swim to people who’ve been in the water their whole life, and ever so sincerely, “I love how hard you’ve worked,” as she gave me the big, wet, chlorine hug that I needed.
Later that morning I received emails from two different friends reminding me that one bad workout isn’t a trend, and once I start to feel more rested “this cloudiness is going to pass and you’ll be smiling internally because you love this sport and it fuels you!” This is true; triathlon has given me so many reasons to be happy over the past few years and I do love this sport. But despite the fact that I’m often a very upbeat, positive, happy to be doing what I’m doing person, I also put a lot of pressure on myself. And it breaks my heart when a workout feels like I’m taking steps backwards (which probably would have been faster than how I was swimming that day). And another friend told me, “Feel free to have all the breakdowns you need…it’s a good sign that you have put everything into your training and are depleted.”
During a big training build, we dig from the deepest trenches of our physical and mental stores. I’m not much of a crier, but sometimes a good breakdown is a reminder of the fact that I put a lot of heart into this sport. We all do. And then days, weeks, or months later, we’re reminded of the bad days that make us appreciate the good days and the whole process that makes me fall in love with life over and over again.
I'm fine now, great actually. I just got back from a fun weekend of training near Lake Chelan with some awesome friends. My legs are starting to feel fresh, I'm not tired all the time, and my weekend workouts were long enough to not go crazy and short enough to relax most of the day. Besides that, I was able to unplug from the triathlon world for a bit and just laugh and enjoy some fresh air and sunshine. It was just what I needed.
Keep your head up and I will too.
-Cathleen
Kainoa (Coach K) had all the right things to say, reminding me when you’re tired you resort to your bad habits in the pool, which didn’t help my cause that morning. But more importantly, reminding me that it was a tough build, how much she’s pushed me, that the St. George course will play toward my strengths, I often compare my swim to people who’ve been in the water their whole life, and ever so sincerely, “I love how hard you’ve worked,” as she gave me the big, wet, chlorine hug that I needed.
Later that morning I received emails from two different friends reminding me that one bad workout isn’t a trend, and once I start to feel more rested “this cloudiness is going to pass and you’ll be smiling internally because you love this sport and it fuels you!” This is true; triathlon has given me so many reasons to be happy over the past few years and I do love this sport. But despite the fact that I’m often a very upbeat, positive, happy to be doing what I’m doing person, I also put a lot of pressure on myself. And it breaks my heart when a workout feels like I’m taking steps backwards (which probably would have been faster than how I was swimming that day). And another friend told me, “Feel free to have all the breakdowns you need…it’s a good sign that you have put everything into your training and are depleted.”
During a big training build, we dig from the deepest trenches of our physical and mental stores. I’m not much of a crier, but sometimes a good breakdown is a reminder of the fact that I put a lot of heart into this sport. We all do. And then days, weeks, or months later, we’re reminded of the bad days that make us appreciate the good days and the whole process that makes me fall in love with life over and over again.
I'm fine now, great actually. I just got back from a fun weekend of training near Lake Chelan with some awesome friends. My legs are starting to feel fresh, I'm not tired all the time, and my weekend workouts were long enough to not go crazy and short enough to relax most of the day. Besides that, I was able to unplug from the triathlon world for a bit and just laugh and enjoy some fresh air and sunshine. It was just what I needed.
Keep your head up and I will too.
-Cathleen
I had this exact workout a couple weekends ago. I was off my pace, slogging, emotionally sacked and cried for the last 4 miles of a tempo run. Much to the dismay of the many cyclists who passed me gulping for air and crying. I got a smile on my face when my team found me at the end but as soon as they were within feet of me I burst into sobs again. I love your post. I'm past that moment too (and training for a much shorter event, but one that has beaten me the last 5 yrs). Thank you for the great insight, and the reminder that its not just me that has breakdowns ;)
ReplyDeletePhew – the crying while running routine is so hard, yet so cleansing. And why is that we can hold it together up until we see our friends and teammates? I left out the part of me crying in the shower after my swim because I didn’t want to have to open up to any of my friends who in the end were super supportive and insightful. It doesn’t matter the distance – hard work is, well, really freaking hard! Best of luck to you and your upcoming event! -ck
DeleteVery well said. And we keep coming back for more. Happy taper time!
ReplyDeleteThanks! It’s a crazy, sometimes f-ed up cycle, but we do always come back for more. It’s nice to know there are others who share my sentiment. -ck
DeleteI'm not an athlete (umm, duh), but even though we as badass ladies usually feel strong and tough and confident, we all have those days where we just feel crushed. Sometimes caused by real circumstances, sometimes by those in our head. But as long as we know that it's temporary and very normal (and healthy!) and that in the end we'll be okay, we really will be okay. Even better than okay. :) Thank you for being so open and real!
ReplyDeleteSara! One of the toughest non-athletes I know (disregard the athlete part, you’re super strong!). You’re absolutely correct – we often come back better than okay after these mini breakdowns. For me, I think I start to realize that parts of me are quite fragile and the tears give me a lot of perspective. THANK YOU for being my role model of a badass lady. xoxo
Deletecathleen - new reader here, a friend recommended your post as i just wrote about the same thing with my impending first half-marathon this weekend. it's so nice to know that i'm not alone. cheers,
ReplyDeleteashley
Ashley, I don’t know you or anything about your training, but I think you’ll be just fine on race day. The freak outs are normal and falling off the training wagon can happen (I just checked out your last post). The fact that you have committed to this race was the first step in conquering it and possibly a long streak of other races; you will do this! The nice thing about being your first, at any distance, is that it’s a clean slate. Not to be cliché, but I will anyway: we are often our hardest critics. So my advice is this: don’t get too down on yourself, take it easy this week and then go out there, run whatever pace you need to get to the finish line, enjoy the race atmosphere, and finish with a smile knowing the badger and your twins will be proud of you no matter what. Best of luck to you! PS – I’m pumped to read some of the baking and pie making posts on your blog! -ck
DeleteI'm so relieved to hear that even Speedy She-Beasts like you have "one of those days." I call it my yearly meltdown and it happens like clockwork, much to my boyfriend's supreme excitement (sarcasm). You'll have an awesome season so don't fret. Whenever you do get plagued with doubt and feel as if you're not making any swimming progress, just think back to the time you invited me to master's swim and were zooming along in the fast lane while I was trying to avoid drowning amid a dozen other swimmers on the other side of the pool. :)
ReplyDelete